thankstaking November 23, 2009
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…or thanksgiving as it known to many.
i’m spending my thanksgiving at my friend mike’s house with our other friend tracy. and while i’m not classically homesick or anything, i’m beginning to be ready to go home. i think part of it is jealousy because so many people are leaving today, tomorrow and wednesday for their homes.
and my home friends were circulating an email about meeting up and having hang out time.
and i want to be there for that. but i also want to be in california. haha i guess i’m confused and just looking forward to relaxing by the pool on thanksgiving.
dare. November 18, 2009
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do i dare, do i dare to step where i haven’t before?
i should have done it a year ago, and now i’m tempted to for once, take my life into my own hands.
dare to do what scares me, what could hurt me, but what could make me happy.
taking the step is daunting and frightening, but there are signs it could be a fruitful endeavor.
but i’m scared. how can i learn from my past mistakes and take that next step?
maybe it’s time to jump off the diving board, and risk it.
that girl November 8, 2009
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sometimes i look in the mirror and wonder who the girl i’m looking at is?
have i changed?
have my values, my morals, my thoughts changed?
on the surface, i feel like some part of me has changed. but on the surface i haven’t either.
it’s confusing to think about it.
i want to be me, but i think me is changing.
a good friend. November 4, 2009
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have i become too absorbed in my own problems? to the point where my friends won’t tell me because they think i’m too “preoccupied” with my own?
i guess i need to internalize more. or something. because the last thing i ever want is my best friend telling me she can’t talk to me.
hair. October 30, 2009
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a week, and wearing my hair down makes a world of difference.
yesterday i straightened my hair, and every guy i walked into (that I knew at least), started telling me i looked, “hot”, “stunning”, “amazing” and other words. i was like WHOA, what has happened here??
it was ridiculous, i felt so nice. and then to top my day off, i got to eat dirt n’ worms which i haven’t had in FOREVER. it was sooooo good.
okay. but the biggest difference my hair made apparently was this: last week no one danced with me except my best friend. this week? 4 guys and my first kiss.
i’m wearing my hair down more often.
tired. October 23, 2009
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i’m tired of being alone.
tired of ending up every night alone in my room.
tired of being the girl on the dance floor no one wants to dance with.
tired of being unnoticed, or just one of the guys in the face of those i like.
im tired.
i don’t want to end up the old maid with 17 cats. i want more.
but i’m beginning to be afraid that nothing is ever going to happen.
because there’s a third eye. it’s growing out of my head and seems to repulse every guy in sight. maybe my friends think i’m pretty but its never a guy i like- they’re always after someone different from me.
and i’m sick and tired of it.
i don’t think i’m ugly, and i don’t think i deserve this stupid pain.
why can’t like be like a taylor swift song or a disney tale, one where for once, it works out in my favor, and i’m not left walking home alone, regretting everything?
best friends October 19, 2009
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i love my best friends. it’s really simple. they do simple stupid things that make me laugh.
like voldebear, organizing dinners, pretending they don’t know me, giving me life shattering news that’s fake.
“Hey Emily! Remember me? It’s Kristy, from highschool!”…..ridiculosness.
i’m seriously blessed to have such amazing friends. they are there for me, laugh with me and do everything. it warms the cockles of my heart <3.
addict. October 11, 2009
Posted by emilyabrooke in ramblings.1 comment so far
here’s my official a.a. post.
my name is emily. and i am addicted to facebook.
i can’t help but to check it, it’s my way of communicating, checking up, and frequently i just check, doing nothing. right now, i have given my password to my friend, she changed it, and won’t give it back to me until tuesday. i need to be able to be on my computer, to study for not one, but two midterms and actually concentrate. it is so tempting to just click, promising myself i’ll just quickly check, but it’s never 3 seconds. i wish i had the willpower of those who do not check everyday. it’s not like i don’t have people to be hanging out and doing things with-last night i had 4 seperate invitations on things to do. (which just begs the question: why does EVERYTHING have to happen on friday nights?)
i’m hoping these next 3.5 days will teach me to relax (although this couldn’t really have worse timing since i’m waiting to here back from my cousin about lunch tomorrow…this could get interesting).
i’m an addict. let’s work this out.
conflict. October 5, 2009
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as i struggle to write the last page of my current writing 140 paper, i thought i’d get the creative juices by saying what bothers me about this paper that i cannot write about in said paper.
i am, without question, a gay rights advocate. by the fact that i have gay friends, by the fact that i cannot see the logic behind denying a loving couple the right to marry. so it kills me to write a paper where i say that an anti-gay marriage writer has a better argumentative style. and it killed me reading the debate too.
it’s this conflict i’ve been having. people too frequently argue in a way that alienates people. i wish there was a way for us to all be calm, and reasonable. but i guess that won’t ever really happen- especially coming from my own mouth, because i know i frequently make inflammatory statements.
okay. now back to that last page of writing.
how. October 2, 2009
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i wonder if i missed some vital lesson sometime back in middle school or earlier. it seems as if for so many people, it’s find someone you are slightly attracted to, talk for a week, and then bam! relationship, make out session, something.
but i’m still here waiting for eighteen years. i’m tired of being as luis terms it, a “super virgin”. it’s not that i want to go around having sex with every cute guy i see, but it’d be nice if someone could like me back- and want to do something about it.
sure, i have guy friends, but they are always like brothers- or they are gay. and of course, they say they’ll help me if i happen to like a guy they know, but it never really works that way.
i wonder how people do it. just put themselves out on the line, with their heart on their sleeve. although maybe that’s the trick, not using your heart and just your libido. i don’t know. i really don’t know how to cross that line, to touch someone, to become friends and to become more. i’ve never been able to be a part of that, no matter how much i want it. it’s frustrating being a super virgin. i can read all the stories, watch my friends, and know that for some reason, it’s not happening for me.
and i can’t figure out the reason. maybe i’m just stupid and don’t notice the right things, and maybe i’m afraid of getting hurt, but i’d risk it for the chance to experience something new. to learn a whole new side of a person, to be able to hang out, laugh and really care about a person in more than a platonic way.
how do you do it? and when’s it my turn?
