i’ve always thought of myself as a strong feminist, that i was brought up by two amazing feminists in my mother and father.
but recently, i’m beginning to question this. not because i think poorly of women, or because i’m not getting angry at flotv’s incredibly sexist ads, but because of how i treat myself.
and i’m alking specifically how i value myself. i’ve always thought to myself, “i don’t need a man” and i’ve had friends who’ve told me if i really needed, wanted a man or boy that badly i would have settled by now, and that the fact that i’m still single shows how much i stand up for myself.
but i’m beginning to think it’s bullshit. how many blog entries have i written about my relationship status, how many times have i bemoaned it to my friends? i started thinking about this after a conversation with one of my best friends about how we all talk behind each others backs…in a good way. when i asked her what they said about me, she told me they worry about how i define myself around guys and that i worry too much about what it means to have or not have a boyfriend.
so i started thinking, and i’ve realized this is too true. a large part of it is from that loving family i grew up in. yes, my parents are feminists, but even they have contributed to my attitude. haven’t i heard my mother ask where she’s gone wrong in raising my brother and i because aren’t “social” enough? hasn’t it been pointed out that my mother and father were dating at 14, and at almost 19, i’m way behind the curve? what’s the second thing out of my uncles mouth’s after hello? it’s “how many boyfriend’s do you have?” my aunt’s single status was for years the biggest source of family gossip, everyone wondering when she was going to settle down and get married. and when i almost started dating someone during senior year of high school, i got more phone calls than ever before, and an uncle trying to give me flirting lessons (well, at least more overt flirting lessons than the ones he’d been attempting to teach me for years)
what i’m saying, is that i’ve apparently been socialized to think it’s normal, necessary and a defining characteristic of who you are to have a significant other. there’s is so much conversation about this in my life, not just from my family, but my friends even sometimes encourage this, when they mention that “oh bob’s gonna be there”, as an incentive.
it’s frustrating, because the last thing i want to be is a relationship-obsessed girl. because i am more than that, i deserve more than that. i find myself falling for people who i know will never be anything. and i find myself constantly wanting to have someone there, and its causing me to turn back down a path i promised myself i wouldn’t go back down. a path it took a year to get off of, and now within a few months, i’m back.
but i’m so unsure of how to combat this, because part of me yearns to not be lonely, to have someone i can turn to for anything, more than i could turn to a best friend for. and there is no reason my best friends shouldn’t deserve for me to turn to them for anything, but i have so many close friends, and they are all so interconnected i worry about the repercussions.
“with a love like that, you know you should be glad”. the love of my friends should suffice, but i’m afraid that i’ll be constantly doubting myself until my mind feels that my socialization is fulfilled. and that terrifies me.
