and it pisses me off, because i struggle with the idea that i’m changing and my values and ideals are and that people hate me for that change.

so a nice, really sincere thank you to the people that make me doubt my dreams and me.

i’m tired of being judged by the color of my skin, and people assuming i’m some random white girl hanging out with latinos. what pisses me off even more is that it’s latinos who are more suprised by my being ecuadorian than anyone else.

i am who i am. i’m latina and damn fucking proud of it. ask me, talk to me, but don’t assume. ugh it angers me so much when people say, “well it’s nice to have some diversity here” and i want to scream “I’M ECUADORIAN.”  these are people fighting for equality, to not be judged by skin color and here they are doing the same damn thing to me.

i’m tired of it. i just want some respect.

yet i’m dreading it. it means i’m getting older, it means i’ll be disappointed, and go to bed unsettled.

i’ll be paper writing and other than these school trip, i have no plans. a friend suggested that i go to dinner with friends but i honestly hate that idea. i have way too many friends, friends who don’t know each other to organize that. it would’ve taken weeks of planning and friends who could commit and friends who’ve heard of being on time. that’s part of the reason i don’t want to do anything is because i hate stressing out over planning and stressing out over minute drama. my birthday should be happy, care-free.

and for some reason, i’ve been excited about it all week, which is the worst because if the past 18 years have anything to say, my birthday won’t be amazing. it’ll be mediocre at best. i always build up hope that something special will happen. and it never does.

so i think i’ll go to bed early tonight, go to sal castro, and then grab a quick bite, come back to my room and paper-write. because honestly, i’m not up for much else. woooo birthday.

but recently, i’m beginning to question this. not because i think poorly of women, or because i’m not getting angry at flotv’s incredibly sexist ads, but because of how i treat myself.

and i’m alking specifically how i value myself. i’ve always thought to myself, “i don’t need a man” and i’ve had friends who’ve told me if i really needed, wanted a man or boy that badly i would have settled by now, and that the fact that i’m still single shows how much i stand up for myself.

but i’m beginning to think it’s bullshit. how many blog entries have i written about my relationship status, how many times have i bemoaned it to my friends? i started thinking about this after a conversation with one of my best friends about how we all talk behind each others backs…in a good way. when i asked her what they said about me, she told me they worry about how i define myself around guys and that i worry too much about what it means to have or not have a boyfriend.

so i started thinking, and i’ve realized this is too true. a large part of it is from that loving family i grew up in. yes, my parents are feminists, but even they have contributed to my attitude. haven’t i heard my mother ask where she’s gone wrong in raising my brother and i because aren’t “social” enough? hasn’t it been pointed out that my mother and father were dating at 14, and at almost 19, i’m way behind the curve? what’s the second thing out of my uncles mouth’s after hello? it’s “how many boyfriend’s do you have?” my aunt’s single status was for years the biggest source of family gossip, everyone wondering when she was going to settle down and get married. and when i almost started dating someone during senior year of high school, i got more phone calls than ever before, and an uncle trying to give me flirting lessons (well, at least more overt flirting lessons than the ones he’d been attempting to teach me for years)

what i’m saying, is that i’ve apparently been socialized to think it’s normal, necessary and a defining characteristic of who you are to have a significant other. there’s is so much conversation about this in my life, not just from my family, but my friends even sometimes encourage this, when they mention that “oh bob’s gonna be there”, as an incentive.

it’s frustrating, because the last thing i want to be is a relationship-obsessed girl. because i am more than that, i deserve more than that. i find myself falling for people who i know will never be anything. and i find myself constantly wanting to have someone there, and its causing me to turn back down a path i promised myself i wouldn’t go back down. a path it took a year to get off of, and now within a few months, i’m back.

but i’m so unsure of how to combat this, because part of me yearns to not be lonely, to have someone i can turn to for anything, more than i could turn to a best friend for. and there is no reason my best friends shouldn’t deserve for me to turn to them for anything, but i have so many close friends, and they are all so interconnected i worry about the repercussions.

“with a love like that, you know you should be glad”. the love of my friends should suffice, but i’m afraid that i’ll be constantly doubting myself until my mind feels that my socialization is fulfilled. and that terrifies me.

friday night, i had fun just hanging out with some of my favorite mechistas till 3 am at the SDA club party, my first time to a club. so i was on this great high of just dancing all night with my friends.

then i woke up at 5 am. let me just say, i do not work well on 2 hours of sleep which was a major problem. MECHA statewide conference was this saturday and despite our confused/muddled start (which could have made for another precious  hour of sleep…), it was amazing. during our first mini lesson on ab 540, i was disappointedly falling asleep all over the place but it was still really interesing. the day went on, and it just continued to challenge me to think about where we place priority in spending, our actions, education, racism, police brutality, human goodness. i was emotionally spent by the time we came back at 7:30.

one of the things that stuck out most to me was the story of oscar grant. i had the chance to meet the father of the boys with him when he died, and to see the videotape of the murder. it absolutely incenses me that our justice system wants to let these killer cops get away with it. IF IN HANDCUFFS, WITH A BODY FULL OF WEIGHT ON YOUR NECK, YOU CAN’T RESIST ERGO YOU SHOULDN’T BE SHOT.

the story makes me have to little faith in our police and in our criminal justice system. and it breaks my heart.

as i later rapped to tupac that night, “It’s time for us as a people to start makin’ some changes.
Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live
and let’s change the way we treat each other.”

and so i arrived back to campus to go on what eventually became a cc based trip to karoake and yogurtland. it was hilarious and funny, and a great way to get me thinking less. because yes, sometime thinking too much can be bad and you need to remember to smile. and sing your heart out.

but even going to karaoke wasn’t without a challenge. as we went to pick up someone, we were right by the school where i work. and one of my fifth graders, who’s at that point where he could pick a path that will define his life, was standing on the street corner at 8:30 at night. with a kid i’d probably say was in 7th grade, and they were unchaperoned and looking quite sketchy. first, i want to know what his parent are thinking and then i want to force him to go home and not do whatever it was. he could’ve been standing innocently, but my gut and my knowledge of south central la tells me otherwise. and he’s a genuinely smart, funny kid but he’s got to know there is something out there living for and there’s something more than running across the street to miss cars (something the friend who lives there tells me the kids do all the time) and whatever else he might do. i just get so frustrated that society, education, and politics can’t work together to make everyone’s lives just a little better so fifth graders aren’t standing out on street corners.

and today was the international reading festival for kids in the area, put on by USC Readers Plus. It was fun (once I got there after waking up late from exhaustion) and a delight to see kids really getting into the activities and the incessant bob marley. seeing kids be creative with hands on arts and crafts warms the cockles on my little heart.

it’s been a long weekend. and now i have 200 pages of reading and a 12 page paper due wednesday. woooo.

yesterday was holocaust rememberance day, and students of sc for israel have had a celebration all this week, that featured beautiful music.

yesterday through today, students for justice in palestine have chosen to host an “apartheid wall”. although not the best timing, i have no reason to believe it was purposefully and malicious timed unlike what some students believe. and they are as a result protesting SJP’s right to spread awareness.

the conflict in israel and palestine is one on which i do not know how i stand. it is a land holy to three of the world’s major religions. thankfully christianity has not gotten too involved, as this is already complicated enough. is there one decision that is right? no, because in every possible plan someone gets shorthanded.

enough is enough. we are fortunate enough to be allowed to express our opinion and there are always two sides to a story. no one comes away in this conflict looking perfect. let people see both sides, and then make an informed opinion rather than one swayed by which media station they watch and follow.

i have friends and family on both sides and maybe i’m a dreamer or an idealist but if there was a real effort to talk, to try and understand things could be better. and talking seems to be the furthest thing from most people’s minds, especially the politicians. so why can’t it be the youth, the educated children who’ve been brought up to be loving and understanding, who set the example for the future and for adults?

like i said before….all we need is love, so let’s come together and let it be.

and I need to vent what I cannot say in my paper.

a) why is the world, especially the biblical world such a homophobic place? A man is about to be raped and instead of allowing this admittedly tragic act from happening, two women are offered in his place. A woman dies. and this man who offered her up treats her like dirt. how freaking messed up is that?

b)as if one instance of gang rape isn’t enough, other women have to be raped and kidnapped. why are women so frequently devalued to the point where it is okay to kill, and rape?

later i’ll post on my recent amazing trip to tijuana and maybe my paper. and this doesn’t even begin to cover my thoughts on this piece but i just want to issue a general WTF?!?

first let me say it’s a fake, stupid shitty holiday made to get people to spend money and profess love that they may not even truly feel. it’s a time for young adults to give flowers and make that occasional hook-up buddy into a boyfriend/girlfriend for they day so they can feel better about themselves. and make the single people of the world insanely jealous as their significant others recieve gifts and they make out like horn dogs in the cafeteria.

really, it’s wonderful day.

now clearly, i’m biased, angsty and just a smidge pissed off as i write this.

but seriously, the last two years have taken the suckage of valentine’s day to new heights.

last year, i had to watch the guy i had liked forever, celebrate valentine’s day with his new girlfriend, when a little over a month before everyone in the entire freaking school was convinced we were gonna start dating.

this year, it started off okay. i had lunch with a great friend, although i had to watch couples making out while getting eggs…it really can’t wait five more minutes??? and then, with the exception of the bb gun bullet to the leg is was fantastic, hanging out with friends, a little attempt at homework and watching USC beat UCLA (sucks) in basketball.

and then what should have been a fun night of partying began. but i didn’t get to go out with one of my best friends from home, there were creepers and exes, and friends unable to control their actions.
the creepers, i honestly was fine with. we were having a great time, and honestly, exes/creepers can be avoided.
i’ve always hated party hopping and saw no reason to leave. we were fine avoiding.

and then my friends. i love them to death, but a) give me my fucking phone, and don’t tell me i can’t have it until i’m sober when i’m sober and you’re weaving. b) i know you’re drunk and he’s just a friend, but you’re my better friend and you know how i feel about him, so just respect my feelings and don’t grind up on him. it’s not that hard. c) handle your liquor a tiny bit better. i know i have made mistakes, but some it’s the same mistakes every time, and there’s a time to learn your tolerance.

all in all, i hate fucking valentine’s day.

and he went on his merry way.
why can’t adult life be like that??